How can I live in abandonment to God for the pure sake of loving Christ, not for getting anything in return?
Even today as I prayed to discover God more and hear His voice and feel His presence, I prayed it more out of a desire for peace and rest in my own spirit, not so much out of a desire to delight the heart of God. What does it mean to seek Jesus purely out of love for Him rather than for the benefits I get?
My Utmost for His Highest says:
We have got so commercialized that we only go to God for something from Him, not for Himself. It is like saying, "No, Lord, I don't want Thee, I want myself; but I want myself clean and filled with the Holy (Spirit); I want to be put in Thy showroom and be able to say, 'This is what God has done for me' (March 12)."
Right now, I seek God in desire of a job and friends and a church family and more peace at home and a stronger relationship with my husband. I don't just seek God in desire of God.
Psalm 37:4 has been a favorite verse of mine since high school:
Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
I think I've always focused too much on the promise in the second half of the verse, taking comfort that God knows and cares about the inner desires of my heart. In order to get that promise, I need to figure out how to delight in the Lord without the desires of my heart anywhere on my mind. Maybe I would paraphrase the verse like this:
Lay down the desires of your heart and delight only in the Lord; then He will bless those desires more than you yourself could have orchestrated.
Lord, help me to seek You not because I love Your provision and Your gifts, but because I love You. Let it be as simple as that. Help me delight in You.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
From the summit
Wow. Here we are, 1,800 miles west, in Denver. Colorado feels like a world away from Florida.
This morning we took a cog train up to 14,110-foot high Pikes Peak. It's interesting how in the last week we've taken in so many views from summits where you can see everything laid out around you for miles. It's a little hazy, maybe, but you can see. A lot. That's not how I feel about God's plan for me right now. I always have confidence in His plan for us, Josh and me, but my job search here introduces a new reality that God has plans for my ministry and my direction too. I don't feel so confident about that.
When we got here, last Wednesday, I called two churches where I had applied and followed up weeks before. I was anxious and hopeful. Five days went by, and I didn't hear back. I can't say I went through a lot of deep emotions because we have been so busy showing around my parents and getting our stuff moved in, but whenever I had a moment of rest or stillness, I felt overwhelming failure. I felt so much disappointment and so little confidence in myself or my ability to get a job.
On Sunday morning, God spoke these words to me from Psalms:
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14
I prayed for patience and confidence, but felt little comfort. I found an administrative assistant position and applied for it, starting to give up on the other two applications I had been so hopeful about. On Monday, I read this in my devotion:
Never consider whether you are of use; but ever consider that you are not your own but His (My Utmost).
I tried to take that to heart. I had felt very clearly two months ago that God was calling me to find a job in ministry, not in journalism. I wrote in my journal that day:
I tried to take that to heart. I had felt very clearly two months ago that God was calling me to find a job in ministry, not in journalism. I wrote in my journal that day:
Because I didn't get either of the ministry jobs I wanted, I feel like God has no plan for me. What is God's call to me? God, I know you will act when we have need. Help me to trust You and put my focus on whatever it is that you want me to. I will try to be patient. I will listen for Your call.
Tuesday morning, I got a call from the church where I really want to work. They want to interview me next Wednesday. Now, I know that there is still a good possibility that I won't get the job. I'm trying to prepare myself for that possible disappointment. But if nothing else, I feel that God has lifted me out of the desert that I felt when I hadn't even gotten a call back. Whatever God is planning for me, I feel refreshed enough to be ready for it again.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
By faith he obeyed and went
We are moving in six days. The goodbyes are in full swing and the packing is halfway done. The stress of everything to do and remember is starting to feel like a looming presence in my life, and so this morning, thanks to a Circle goodbye staff meeting, I revisited some verses that gave me lots of comfort about the move several months ago.
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
Hebrews 11:8-10
God does great things when we step out in total reliance on His plan, not on our plans. When I take each moment to turn back to Jesus instead of making logical decisions and then asking God to bless them afterward. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. But I will make my home by faith in a land where God has called me, looking forward to the city designed and built by God.
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
Hebrews 11:8-10
God does great things when we step out in total reliance on His plan, not on our plans. When I take each moment to turn back to Jesus instead of making logical decisions and then asking God to bless them afterward. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. But I will make my home by faith in a land where God has called me, looking forward to the city designed and built by God.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
It isn't harmless
This is a struggle we don't face much as warm, comfortable, American Christians. It's more than a struggle; it's a fight. So I don't know if anyone will relate to it or not, but I feel led to share. I am feeling strongly in my spirit that God is bringing the fight to my door.
What I mean is evil. Sin. I've been a Christian my whole life, and so when I hear "sin," I typically think of gossip, laziness, losing my temper with a family member. Sins that yes, are harmful, but aren't the kind of thing that keep you awake at night or burden your soul. When I think of evil this way, as little mess-ups that make my life less than what it could be, it's dangerous. Because evil doesn't seem so bad, so much of a real threat.
In our culture especially, we're trained to rationalize and minimize evil. If someone asked you if murder was wrong, you would say yes, without a doubt. But when we want to entertain ourselves, we watch TV shows and movies about cruel, brutal, bloody murders. Adultery is wrong -- we wouldn't cheat on our own spouses -- but we entertain ourselves with stories about men and women who have sex on the first date, who sleep with multiple people without the blink of an eye, who start and stop their marriages based on whatever they feel.
We say homosexuality is a sin, but we laugh at jokes about it and normalize it by watching gay and lesbian couples in almost every TV show and movie. Because it's harmless, right?
It isn't harmless.
God says in Isaiah 5:20:
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
It's easy to be entertained by evil when we feel like it's at a safe distance from our own lives. But not all Christians have the luxury of ignoring the spiritual wars that are taking place around us.
So why am I writing about this? Because Satan is fighting for someone I love, and I finally have woken up enough to see this as the spiritual battle that it is. When evil is destroying someone I love, it is not my job to embrace evil so that I don't offend the person. Even if every other person around me wants to call evil good and good evil, my first love is Christ. And if I love Christ, I can't love evil. If I truly love someone, how can I let evil take hold of them and do nothing?
My purpose in this world is not to treat sin as a joke. God did not put me here to tolerate sin and befriend evil. That is not what it means to love.
So, this is a lonely place. Josh and I are going to truly love by loving people and standing up against sin, and that might mean that people don't like us and don't want us around. We might lose a few relationships. The thought of this feels like a huge weight sitting on my spirit. I don't want to lose anyone I love. I don't want to be persecuted. But I can't persecute my Lord by holding hands with evil.
Today I found a Psalm that comforts and strengthens me. I can fight this fight.
Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.
What I mean is evil. Sin. I've been a Christian my whole life, and so when I hear "sin," I typically think of gossip, laziness, losing my temper with a family member. Sins that yes, are harmful, but aren't the kind of thing that keep you awake at night or burden your soul. When I think of evil this way, as little mess-ups that make my life less than what it could be, it's dangerous. Because evil doesn't seem so bad, so much of a real threat.
In our culture especially, we're trained to rationalize and minimize evil. If someone asked you if murder was wrong, you would say yes, without a doubt. But when we want to entertain ourselves, we watch TV shows and movies about cruel, brutal, bloody murders. Adultery is wrong -- we wouldn't cheat on our own spouses -- but we entertain ourselves with stories about men and women who have sex on the first date, who sleep with multiple people without the blink of an eye, who start and stop their marriages based on whatever they feel.
We say homosexuality is a sin, but we laugh at jokes about it and normalize it by watching gay and lesbian couples in almost every TV show and movie. Because it's harmless, right?
It isn't harmless.
God says in Isaiah 5:20:
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
It's easy to be entertained by evil when we feel like it's at a safe distance from our own lives. But not all Christians have the luxury of ignoring the spiritual wars that are taking place around us.
So why am I writing about this? Because Satan is fighting for someone I love, and I finally have woken up enough to see this as the spiritual battle that it is. When evil is destroying someone I love, it is not my job to embrace evil so that I don't offend the person. Even if every other person around me wants to call evil good and good evil, my first love is Christ. And if I love Christ, I can't love evil. If I truly love someone, how can I let evil take hold of them and do nothing?
My purpose in this world is not to treat sin as a joke. God did not put me here to tolerate sin and befriend evil. That is not what it means to love.
So, this is a lonely place. Josh and I are going to truly love by loving people and standing up against sin, and that might mean that people don't like us and don't want us around. We might lose a few relationships. The thought of this feels like a huge weight sitting on my spirit. I don't want to lose anyone I love. I don't want to be persecuted. But I can't persecute my Lord by holding hands with evil.
Today I found a Psalm that comforts and strengthens me. I can fight this fight.
Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.
Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Suffer nothing from laziness
This morning, Josh and the couple we are hosting, Jason and Stacie, left for all-day meetings at Circle. I was sad to be left behind for the day. As I ushered them all out the door to have a great day, it was time to decide how I would spend the next eight hours of my Saturday.
Immediately it crossed my mind that I could watch TV shows and play video games for most of the day because no one would know. Funny how certain things, for me at least, sound perfectly acceptable -- as long as I do them in secret. One of my biggest temptations throughout life has been to waste my time. But wait, is wasting time sinful? The Bible doesn't say that, does it?
Proverbs 12:24 says, "Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and become a slave." It later says in 13:4, "Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper" (NLT).
In Proverbs 31:27, the description of a noble wife says, "she carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness."
Why is it difficult for me to take these words to heart in my own life? It's so easy to read "lazy people" and think that is some well-defined, labeled group somewhere else that doesn't include me. How do I make the mental connection? The verses in Ephesians that I read in my quiet time this morning help me to see it a little more personally.
So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit...
Ephesians 5:15-18
What I take from verses 16-17 is this: Make the most of every opportunity (yes, even "free" time) and be thoughtful about everything you do. How else will you be intentional enough to know what God wants you to do?
The way I've decided to be intentional today is by investing in relationships -- having my grandparents over and making lunch for them. Maybe that way I will leave room for God to show me what He wants me to do instead of hoarding all my time to myself.
God, this day is an offering to You. Let me bless You in it by living thoughtfully and blessing others.
Immediately it crossed my mind that I could watch TV shows and play video games for most of the day because no one would know. Funny how certain things, for me at least, sound perfectly acceptable -- as long as I do them in secret. One of my biggest temptations throughout life has been to waste my time. But wait, is wasting time sinful? The Bible doesn't say that, does it?
Proverbs 12:24 says, "Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and become a slave." It later says in 13:4, "Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper" (NLT).
In Proverbs 31:27, the description of a noble wife says, "she carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness."
Why is it difficult for me to take these words to heart in my own life? It's so easy to read "lazy people" and think that is some well-defined, labeled group somewhere else that doesn't include me. How do I make the mental connection? The verses in Ephesians that I read in my quiet time this morning help me to see it a little more personally.
So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit...
Ephesians 5:15-18
What I take from verses 16-17 is this: Make the most of every opportunity (yes, even "free" time) and be thoughtful about everything you do. How else will you be intentional enough to know what God wants you to do?
The way I've decided to be intentional today is by investing in relationships -- having my grandparents over and making lunch for them. Maybe that way I will leave room for God to show me what He wants me to do instead of hoarding all my time to myself.
God, this day is an offering to You. Let me bless You in it by living thoughtfully and blessing others.
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