Looking toward twenty-four

Before my birthday, I always take time to reflect on the last year of my life. It was harder this year, just because more has happened in these 12 months than any others before. There's a lot of change to process, both good and bad.

I have become horrible at journaling over the last six months, which I guessed might happen once I started working full-time. I was looking at my extensively detailed journal from last year and read this entry from April 26, 2010. It was even written at about the same time as I was reading it.

In less than an hour, I will be 22. This has been a really good year, my 22nd year. I feel different about this birthday, like I'm really older -- an adult. I think it's because I know such a huge change is happening this year and that will change who I am, too. Like Josh has said, in Colorado, nothing has to hold me back from being the person I want to be and doing what I want to do. There are no expectations or preconceived ideas. It's a fresh start. I feel ready to make my 23rd year a really fabulous one. I want to have extraordinarily good relationships, I want to live an adventure, and I want to dream big. Here's to 22!

It's sobering to read my hopes and goals for this last year. I knew unimaginable change was approaching, but how can you anticipate what that really means?

In many ways, I have grown a lot. There are things I've done in the last year that I had never done before:

• Get a full-time job.
• Work in ministry.
• Lead a student life group.
• Mentor others.
• Teach a large group alone.
• Work two jobs.
• Lead worship with hundreds of people.
• Make meaningful friendships quickly.
• Develop multiple relationships with people of different ages.
• Develop skill in dancing, singing, design, photography and acting without fear of failure.

I realize in myself a confidence, courage and resilience I've never had before. But as I grow in so many outward areas, I also feel a weakening of my spirit. A year ago, when I had so much time on my hands and so few responsibilities, my prayer life was constant. I felt like I found new insights in God's Word every day. I wasn't engaging in ministry; I wasn't being used in very many lives or giving my talents and gifts fully to God. But I spent so much time in communion with Him.

How do I do both? How can I give everything I have to God and still have the time to know Him? How can I develop my spirit while developing my actions?

The rest of this week, I'm going to look for a word from God that answers these questions. Lord, guide me in Your Word to know your plan for this year of my life. Help me to seek growth in the areas that You care about, not in the areas that are important to me. Not in the areas that seek people's approval more than Yours.

When God opens a window

I love the little moments when God opens my mind up to something new that I didn't understand before. That "Oh, this clicks" moment. In the last two days, He's done this for me twice.

I think He blesses us in two ways with these moments. The first is, of course, whatever wisdom He allows us to understand. Spiritual growth is an absolutely incredible feeling when you realize it's happening.

The second way is that we're reminded just how far we are from having things all figured out. From knowing everything. We have that sensation of a window opening in our minds, and then realize the excitement of all the windows God can still open.

Yesterday, God opened this window for me: At the church, I am surrounded daily by people with more wisdom, knowledge and experience than me. People who can teach me so much about not only the work I am doing, but also about the way I know and serve God. Instead of trying to impress these people all the time, why not humbly learn from them? The first option preserves my pride, but the second option makes me a person who serves God and others better. And isn't that more impressive in the ways that matter anyway?

Today, I went with Josh and Joyce to the Operation Christmas Child processing center to inspect and package shoeboxes. Now, here's a fact about me, even though admitting it makes me feel like a bad person. Mercy is not one of my spiritual gifts. When I hear a sad story, I am not the first person to cry. It's not that I don't care. I do. It doesn't come naturally to me to emotionally step into others' shoes, especially if it's an experience that's completely foreign to me.

So, window number 2. As I was working with the shoeboxes today, I got so excited about the big picture of what was going on. The 650,000 kids who would get presents and hopefully the message of Christ just from the Denver processing center alone.

As I was filling cartons with shoeboxes according to gender and age, I started praying over them. The more I prayed, the more connected I felt to the whole purpose of what was going on. It was so cool to think about the 5-year-old boys and 12-year-old girls whose lives God will change.

Ephesians 6:18 says, And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

God is showing me, through this experience and other recent ones, that it's not just about serving in the areas where I'm gifted. Maybe He doesn't want me to always be comfortable. Maybe it's not as simple as doing what you're naturally good at. Yes, I can sing and communicate without that much effort, but when He pushes me to pray for people who I would typically never think about, my heart feels so overflowing with God's love!

So, if I had to describe this window more succinctly, I would say this: Don't limit God based on what you have to offer. Realize that He has everything to offer and can grow you in whatever area He wants to.

There's a song by Chris Taylor called Symphony, and this part of the song describes so well the moment of getting a glimpse of God's wisdom:

When I finally see what you see
There's a symphony
I hear a symphony
Words cannot describe
What it means to be
In your symphony
In your symphony