Where is my worth?

I realized yesterday in a conversation with Josh that something deep in me is not necessarily in everyone.

I want everyone to think I'm perfect. It upsets me when people see my faults, and it devastates me when people don't like me. I try to hide my faults and mistakes from Josh as much as possible because i think the more bad qualities he sees in me, the less he'll love me.

I told him this yesterday. I said, "Don't you feel that way?" He said no.

What I realized through the rest of our conversation is that I base so much of my confidence on being "perfect" and being likeable to everyone that when I am criticized, I receive it as a criticism of who I am, my whole identity, instead of a criticism of a behavior I can change.

Josh said, "I am a confident person. When you don't like something I do, I know I can change it."

This isn't how my brain works. I said, if you're a confident person, why are you so willing to change?

He said, "because my confidence isn't in my behaviors. Those aren't who I am." Then he explained it this way, which has been simmering in my head for the last 24 hours:

It's like with our salvation. Christ loves us. We're His. But we don't become His and then never change. We're called to be imitators of Christ. Christ was humble, yet He was perfect. We aren't perfect at all, so we need to be humble and then be willing to change to be like Him. Admitting fault is not the same as admitting worthlessness.

This idea of Christ embracing humility in spite of His perfection is in Philippians 2:3-11.

I think this is a big key to being a good apologizer that I've been missing. Admitting that you're wrong and apologizing is not admitting that you're worthless. It is having enough confidence in what is right that you are willing to change the things that are wrong.

It's not being afraid of being wrong, because you truly want to do what's right, not just "be right" in your mind. It's imitating Christ, not trying to be perfect on your own.

This is going to take a lot of practice for me to internalize. But I feel a little refreshed that I can strive for humility and openness instead of perfection.

From the summit

Wow. Here we are, 1,800 miles west, in Denver. Colorado feels like a world away from Florida.

This morning we took a cog train up to 14,110-foot high Pikes Peak. It's interesting how in the last week we've taken in so many views from summits where you can see everything laid out around you for miles. It's a little hazy, maybe, but you can see. A lot. That's not how I feel about God's plan for me right now. I always have confidence in His plan for us, Josh and me, but my job search here introduces a new reality that God has plans for my ministry and my direction too. I don't feel so confident about that.

When we got here, last Wednesday, I called two churches where I had applied and followed up weeks before. I was anxious and hopeful. Five days went by, and I didn't hear back. I can't say I went through a lot of deep emotions because we have been so busy showing around my parents and getting our stuff moved in, but whenever I had a moment of rest or stillness, I felt overwhelming failure. I felt so much disappointment and so little confidence in myself or my ability to get a job.

On Sunday morning, God spoke these words to me from Psalms:

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

I prayed for patience and confidence, but felt little comfort. I found an administrative assistant position and applied for it, starting to give up on the other two applications I had been so hopeful about. On Monday, I read this in my devotion:

Never consider whether you are of use; but ever consider that you are not your own but His (My Utmost).

I tried to take that to heart. I had felt very clearly two months ago that God was calling me to find a job in ministry, not in journalism. I wrote in my journal that day:

Because I didn't get either of the ministry jobs I wanted, I feel like God has no plan for me. What is God's call to me? God, I know you will act when we have need. Help me to trust You and put my focus on whatever it is that you want me to. I will try to be patient. I will listen for Your call.

Tuesday morning, I got a call from the church where I really want to work. They want to interview me next Wednesday. Now, I know that there is still a good possibility that I won't get the job. I'm trying to prepare myself for that possible disappointment. But if nothing else, I feel that God has lifted me out of the desert that I felt when I hadn't even gotten a call back. Whatever God is planning for me, I feel refreshed enough to be ready for it again.