My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

One of the things I love about the Bible: No matter what I'm feeling, no matter how indiscernible or indescribable the dark cries of my heart are to me, there is something in God's Word that captures them. It's like God's way of showing me, over and over again, that He really does understand every thought in my head, and that the Spirit really can interpret my wordless prayers (Romans 8:26) into something that makes sense. They aren't pretty, granted, but they make sense.

When it comes to Bible guys, I'm really thankful for David. I'm not one of those people who is gifted in contextualizing and analyzing history, so I don't know really what David was like as a person; I just know that so many of his praises and complaints to God tend to summarize my heart. David definitely experienced highs and lows, and he shared both with God. I relate to that.

So I don't have many thoughts to share about this Psalm, but it spoke to me this morning and I am grateful again that God has comforted me with His understanding of my soul.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42

When God opens a window

I love the little moments when God opens my mind up to something new that I didn't understand before. That "Oh, this clicks" moment. In the last two days, He's done this for me twice.

I think He blesses us in two ways with these moments. The first is, of course, whatever wisdom He allows us to understand. Spiritual growth is an absolutely incredible feeling when you realize it's happening.

The second way is that we're reminded just how far we are from having things all figured out. From knowing everything. We have that sensation of a window opening in our minds, and then realize the excitement of all the windows God can still open.

Yesterday, God opened this window for me: At the church, I am surrounded daily by people with more wisdom, knowledge and experience than me. People who can teach me so much about not only the work I am doing, but also about the way I know and serve God. Instead of trying to impress these people all the time, why not humbly learn from them? The first option preserves my pride, but the second option makes me a person who serves God and others better. And isn't that more impressive in the ways that matter anyway?

Today, I went with Josh and Joyce to the Operation Christmas Child processing center to inspect and package shoeboxes. Now, here's a fact about me, even though admitting it makes me feel like a bad person. Mercy is not one of my spiritual gifts. When I hear a sad story, I am not the first person to cry. It's not that I don't care. I do. It doesn't come naturally to me to emotionally step into others' shoes, especially if it's an experience that's completely foreign to me.

So, window number 2. As I was working with the shoeboxes today, I got so excited about the big picture of what was going on. The 650,000 kids who would get presents and hopefully the message of Christ just from the Denver processing center alone.

As I was filling cartons with shoeboxes according to gender and age, I started praying over them. The more I prayed, the more connected I felt to the whole purpose of what was going on. It was so cool to think about the 5-year-old boys and 12-year-old girls whose lives God will change.

Ephesians 6:18 says, And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

God is showing me, through this experience and other recent ones, that it's not just about serving in the areas where I'm gifted. Maybe He doesn't want me to always be comfortable. Maybe it's not as simple as doing what you're naturally good at. Yes, I can sing and communicate without that much effort, but when He pushes me to pray for people who I would typically never think about, my heart feels so overflowing with God's love!

So, if I had to describe this window more succinctly, I would say this: Don't limit God based on what you have to offer. Realize that He has everything to offer and can grow you in whatever area He wants to.

There's a song by Chris Taylor called Symphony, and this part of the song describes so well the moment of getting a glimpse of God's wisdom:

When I finally see what you see
There's a symphony
I hear a symphony
Words cannot describe
What it means to be
In your symphony
In your symphony

How much more will He clothe me?

The move is less than two months away, and it has been getting more and more difficult to trust God with providing a job for me, and taking care of us and all the details when we get to Denver. I know He has a plan, but the fact that I haven't been able to find a job yet makes me feel like I'm failing, and He won't be able to work out His plan because I'm not doing my part. If I'm not worrying about our future and getting a job, then I'm not putting in my due diligence, right? If people think I'm not stressed, then they will think that I'm lazy or irresponsible, right?

I've been praying about this specifically for a few days and looking for God's answer in His Word, and He has been answering me slowly, which I'm starting to feel is how He usually does. Last night in Psalms I read,

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and He turned to me and heard my cry.
... Many will see what He has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
... O Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
Psalm 40:1-5

I can't say that I felt comforted, but I went to bed with the peace that sometimes I just need to wait on God. This morning He spoke to me further about trusting Him with the move and not worrying about job, money or relationships. My devotional pointed me to Matthew 6. Jesus describes how God cares for the birds and beautifully clothes the flowers, which are far less valuable than me. He says, "If God so clothes the grass of the field ... shall He not much more clothe you?" (Matt 6:30).

Then Jesus says not to worry about what I will eat or wear -- basically, my survival. My needs.

These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:32-33

Why should I let worries dominate my thoughts when God already knows (and cares about) everything I need? Why not experience the joy of His kingdom, knowing He will take care of me? In My Utmost, Chambers asks, "How much time have we taken up worrying God with questions when we should have been absolutely free to concentrate on His work?" (Jan. 26). How much more will I be free to know Him and do for Him if I don't fill my thoughts and my time with worrying?

The beginning

This week, I have been deeply humbled and convicted by the sudden death of Kylee Boden, a dear friend to many whose faith leaves me speechless. I did not know her personally, but she and Matt have been very close to Josh's heart ever since Matt was the campus minister at UCF. Although I did not know her, God has spoken to me through the testimony of her life and over the last few days has laid a very heavy burden on me that I am not living the life I was designed for.

Last night, I cried out to God in my journal:

I know God, and I love Him, but I have not given myself to Him and allowed Him to refine me to be a woman like (Kylee). I have been happy with normal, and I have blended into the world around me. I have been ashamed and timid about my Christ. I have lived my life for myself. I have confined the all-powerful God of creation to worship on Sundays. I have served without passion and I have lived without intention. God has spurred me to the extraordinary.

I grieved over my lack of courage and the way I have slowly compromised my passion for Christ over the last several years to the point that I couldn't find the passion in myself at all. I knew that I needed to seek God fully on my own, independent of Josh, and that my search of God's presence needed to become my life. Not just part of my life. I plucked Josh's copy of My Utmost for His Highest from his bookshelf and put it next to my bed to read this morning. After Josh left for work, I sat on the bed with the book, my Bible and my journal. I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen. Here is what I read aloud on the first page of the book:

My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honor to Christ in my own person by fearless courage.
Philippians 1:20

It took me years to admit to God that I had been ashamed of him; that I felt my courage and will had been depleted. It took Him nine hours to answer the cries of my heart. For the first time in at least three years, I cried at the words of God, which he had spoken directly to my heart. I crawled into the lap of my Father, the Creator, and let Him hold me. That feeling of resting in God's presence is unmistakable, and it reminds my soul of what I was created for. I was not created to be a writer, a teacher, an editor, or whatever I end up doing here. Those things will be part of what I do, but I was created to be God's daughter. Everything else is so secondary. I was not created for this world, and I am not dependent on it or imprisoned by it.

So, my life changes today. I no longer live in consideration of myself. I am not of this world. I keep myself before God for this one thing only: My Utmost for His Highest. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for Him alone.