Overcome your Pregnancy Fears: Am I Ready?

In June I shared part one of a series on overcoming pregnancy fears. In it I talked about birth and body image, concerns that were at the top of my stress list during pregnancy. And what you look like after having a baby matters, but there were other fears--deeper, haunting ones--that I just plain avoided thinking about. 

Can I be a good mom?

Will I know what to do?

Am I ready?

The question of my ability and readiness to be completely responsible for a tiny human being was not only scary, it was embarrassing. I wanted to just be a "natural" at the whole mom thing. I wanted to sail through my pregnancy, 100% confident and excited about the newborn that was about to enter my life. 

But to be honest, thoughts of caring for a new baby filled me with as much confusion and worry as it did excitement. And, duh, that's to be expected. Becoming a parent is not comparable to any other experience in your life. 

I guess it's pride that makes us choke down these insecurities instead of asking for help and realizing we're normal, flawed people. So swallow your pride with me and be reassured that you can do this. 

1. You don't have to love everyone else's kids to be a good mom. 
During my pregnancy, there were times that being around children filled me with expectant joy. There were also times it filled me with dread and guilt. I would hold a friend's baby and after several minutes think, "This is nice, but would get boring after a few hours. What if I get tired of having my baby around? What if I regret having a baby?"

I would see a group of loud elementary-age kids bounding through the halls at church and hate that all I felt was tired and mildly annoyed by their presence. Pregnant women are supposed to love all kids, right? That's why they got pregnant in the first place!

I would remind myself: I am having one baby, not ten fifth-graders. And that turned out to be a good mantra. My son is now 15 months old, and I have adored him at every stage so far. He is my son, and that makes a difference in a way you can't anticipate. 

2. You already have everything your baby really wants and needs. 

As I registered for a bunch of products I’d never used before, as baby showers came and went, and as I read article after article about what I needed to buy, panic definitely set in for me. All I knew was that I needed stuff. A lot of stuff. And what exactly I needed was not really clear; I just knew I wasn’t prepared enough.

Adding to my fears was the fact that we lived in a one-bedroom apartment at the time, so even if we had enough money to buy everything we supposedly needed, we didn’t have the square footage to store it. 

Basically, I needed to prepare very strategically for something about which I knew very little. Hmmm.

If you are nodding your head in frustrated agreement, I offer this to revive you from your panic attack: In those first few months, toys and bouncers and all the other gear will matter very little. Here’s what you’ll be doing a lot of:

• Nursing (or bottle feeding)
• Changing diapers and jammies (and, therefore, doing laundry often)
• Rocking and cuddling Baby

It’s pretty simple. Your baby wants you. The newborn phase is most of all about bonding with this brand new little person. And even though at times it will feel never-ending, this phase will be over before you know it.

Meeting a newborn’s needs is exhausting, but it isn’t complicated. So stop fearfully going over your registry and follow this next point of advice:

3. Prepare for the little things. 
In my experience, the things that will matter most to you with a newborn are small, everyday needs. If you’re nursing, you’re going to be nursing a lot and at all hours of the night. Put together a basket of easy-to-eat snacks and keep a large water bottle by your glider, because you will be hungry and thirsty all the time. Like, mama bear emerging from hibernation hungry.

You’ll also want nipple cream (you can find great natural ones) and nursing pads. I had stocked up with disposable pads when I was pregnant, but I found them to be itchy and uncomfortable. My doula gave me a sample pack of Bamboobie washable nursing pads, and they were great. I hadn’t realized how much I would need nursing pads, during the day and overnight.

Make sure you come home to plenty of nursing-friendly pajamas and comfortable clothes to wear around the house. Your body is still recovering from birth, your tummy is not back to normal, and trying to find something to wear can be a pain. Make it easy on yourself and set out clothes that will make you feel good, not self conscious.

You already know the drill when it comes to diaper changing: diapers, wipes, ointment. Check. The other necessity to keep with your diaper supplies for all those middle-of-the-night diaper changes: zip-up bodysuits. Cute newborn outfits are great, but with constant diaper changes, I preferred to keep Josiah in something warm, comfortable, and easy to put on and take off. Zippers are infinitely easier to maneuver than snaps when you’re running on about zero hours of sleep. Stock up on at least 10 bodysuits so that you don’t have to do laundry constantly.

Fellow mamas, what little things were most important to you during the newborn phase? What will you prepare for next time?

Favorite Cake Mix Cookies

I love to cook. I do not love to bake.

So if a baking recipe has too many ingredients or steps that I don't understand, I'm just not going there. I know for a lot of you it's fun, and I commend you.

If, however, you only bake things that are easy and delicious, this recipe is for you.

Cake mix cookies only require a few ingredients, which make them perfect for the times you need to bake up a quick thank-you treat or welcome for new neighbors. It's been so nice for a non-baker like me; I'm more likely to actually bake treats for others if it doesn't take my whole afternoon. Eeek. Sad but true.

I've tried a different recipe each time and they were all good, but not quite right. This recipe from Somewhat Simple came the closest, and I finally found the tweaks to raise it to buttery, golden perfection.

Favorite Cake Mix Cookies

Ingredients:

• 1 (18.25 oz) box of cake mix. (You can use any flavor, so it's fun to experiment! I used funfetti cake mix here, but chocolate is also delicious.)
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 C melted butter (Not oil. This makes all the difference.)
• 2 T sugar

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 375.
2. Mix cake mix, eggs and butter.
3. Chill dough in the fridge for as long as you're willing to wait patiently.
4. Scoop dough into balls and roll in sugar. For funfetti cookies, you can also roll dough in sprinkles.
5. Space cookies 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheet.
6. Cook for 7-9 minutes or until the edges start to brown.

Enjoy and let me know what other cake mix cookie creations you discover! 

Overcome Your Pregnancy Fears: Birth, Body Image and Marriage

During the last few months of my pregnancy, I was a big (BIG) ball of stress and anxiety. My fears ranged from small (what do I pack in my hospital bag?) to big (what if I don't like kids enough to be a good parent?). 

I was excited about a lot of things, and I was so happy to be becoming a mom, but with that amazing 9-pound baby came more worry and anxiety than I'd ever felt in my life. Everything was unknown, most advice felt unhelpful, and I was overwhelmed. 

I am looking forward to my next pregnancy because there will be far fewer scary unknowns. And while some fears are just not going to subside until you've passed the big day and your baby is here, here are some reasons why you can stop stressing just a little.

In part one of a three-part series (yes, there are that many things to stress about!), I'm going to focus on fears related to birth, your body, and your marriage. In part two we'll look at preparing for baby. 

1. Your body was specifically designed to give birth. You can do it. 
Disclaimer: For those of you reading this who have had difficult birth experiences, please know that I in no way judge or look down on you. Our birth experiences are deeply personal and the last thing we need is criticism from each other. My only goal in offering my feelings about birth is to encourage and empower women to have the best birth experience possible.

If you are anticipating giving birth with great terror, I can understand why. Movies depict women screaming in hospital beds, school health classes don't even teach about natural birth, and your doctor talks about pain, pain, pain. We are taught that birth is a traumatic, dangerous medical event.

But here's the thing, ladies: God designed our bodies beautifully and miraculously to carry and deliver a human being into the world. It's one of the most natural things you'll ever do. The best thing you can do to prepare for labor and delivery is to practice relaxation techniques and focus on positive thinking, not negative thinking. 

Labor is intense, and I believe the reason why most women feel that they have to have drugs is because they go in expecting pain, then feel overwhelmed and out of control. If you are calm and positive during labor instead of fighting your body and focusing on fear, you can have a beautiful, natural birth.

If you'd like to learn more about how to practically prepare to have a natural birth, read about Hypnobirthing here.

2. Your body will be just fine after giving birth. 
As my due date grew closer, I was afraid of what my body would look like in the hours and days after giving birth. My belly was huge, people, and visions of a saggy, deflated balloon for a tummy haunted my dreams. Even though he assured me over and over, I was worried that my husband wouldn't find me attractive. Basically, pregnancy and birth take your body and make it not yours for awhile, and it's scary.

I know everyone's body is different, and how healthy your lifestyle is during pregnancy will affect your recovery. But take heart that after giving birth, I felt completely opposite about my body from what I'd expected. 

After being pregnant for almost 42 weeks, my post-baby body was such a relief. I felt so light and small, even though I did still look about six months pregnant like you've probably been warned. I could lie on my back. My heartburn was gone. My body, though recovering, felt like it was mine again. I didn't have skin hanging down to my knees like I'd worried. Our bodies do take time to recover, but God is incredible. He has designed our bodies to know what to do before, during, and after birth. So be patient and trust your body to do what it needs to. 

Now, more than a year later, I will tell you that my body is not exactly the same as it was before I got pregnant. But, while the world around me says that the only purpose of my body is to stay as youthful and sexy as possible for everyone around me to enjoy, I believe that the joy of giving life and nurturing my son is much better. My body is everything it needs to be, for me, my husband, and my son.

Taking our first family walk at about 5 days old.

3. Your marriage as you know it does not have to end. 
As our baby-free days came to an end, I worried about how becoming parents would change our marriage. I was afraid that once I was a "mom" (said with dreadful emphasis) and not just his wife, my husband would see me differently. He'd still love me, but I wouldn't be as young, attractive or exciting.

I also felt an overwhelming surge of panic in the last weeks of my pregnancy because our "just us" time was ending, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was certain that we wouldn't be the same "us" after the baby was born.

There are two sides to the reality of your marriage once a baby is in the picture. First: You are exhausted. I mean really, really tired. It's true that you and your husband will not feel like yourselves for a few weeks. Caring for a newborn is hard.

But here's the thing: before, you and your husband had each other. Now there is this brand new, incredible human being whom you both desperately love. The feeling of loving your child so much is great. Sharing that feeling with another person is beautiful. And after those first few months, when you start to find a rhythm and get a little sleep and time to yourself, you'll find that you and your husband are still the same people. In fact, my husband and I have a deeper appreciation for each other now that we get to watch each other as parents. God created the family, and it's a good thing.

Fellow mamas, what did you (or do you) stress about during pregnancy? What wisdom have you picked up along the way?

For the Days your Baby Falls off the Changing Table

First of all, this letter is written to myself. And if I'm the only parent who has had a day like this, that's okay. But if you're having one of these days, I hope it encourages you too.

This is for the days when you're home alone with your baby all day long. You're a little lonely and a little tired.

This is for the days when you work for what feels like hours making a complicated dinner, trying to focus on each step and measurement while listening to your baby make his new beloved whiny noise.

This is for the days when you feel like you're going to lose it just looking at the dirty dishes and sticky countertops after dinner, and you think you'd give anything to have fifteen quiet minutes to yourself to clean in peace.

This is for the days when dinner is finished, the kitchen is clean, and your tired, grumpy toddler only wants to do the particular things that you tell him not to do. You're tired of hearing his complaints and you're tired of hearing yourself say 'no.'

This is for the days when you finally, exasperated, lug him upstairs to his room and lay him on the changing table to get him ready for bed. In your scattered, irritable state, you don't think twice about leaving him across the room to get out his pajamas -- and he rolls right off the changing table. He lands face-first with a thud and lets out a piercing wail that turns your stomach with guilt and floods your heart with terror.

What have I done?

This is for the days when you've comforted, snuggled, and consoled, but when you lay him in his crib he cries and cries, not ready to go to sleep. And it splits you in half to walk out of his room, because part of you knows he just needs sleep and part of you is sure you're the most horrible person who's ever lived.

Eventually, the crying stops. Your baby sleeps.

Another day of motherhood is complete, and you feel entirely crumpled and defeated.

Take heart, Beloved.

These seemingly endless, exhausting, heart-wrenching, strength-testing days are not endless. They are passing and fading away as quickly as your little one's blonde curls are growing; as quickly as his vocabulary of three words becomes five, as quickly as rolling turns to crawling to turns to walking.

Today you wish for quiet, but tomorrow you will ache for that impish grin and devilish giggle as your son climbs the stairs you've told him not to climb again and again and again.

You will ache for the touch of those tiny hands that, today, seem to be grabbing and pulling and clinging to you at every moment. Those tiny hands will be a young man's hands tomorrow, and they will not look for you nearly as often.

Today, you are overwhelmed with guilt when you turn away and he gets a scraped nose, a swollen lip, a skinned knee. Tomorrow you will worry and pray as he fights battles on his own.

Today he is yours, and that is both indescribably beautiful and painfully overwhelming. But soon, he will be his own, and the brunt of these long days will be behind you.

So sit down on the couch, curl up in bed, or lie down in the backyard. Take a deep breath and accept that God's grace is not just for you as a person but for you as a mother. He created you in His image, and He made you the mother of your baby. And though you will never be perfect, raising and nurturing your baby is one of the things you were designed and called to do.

You were not called to meet a standard of perfection. You were not called to be the same as the other moms you know. You were called to love your child. You will do things wrong. You are forgiven.

Breathe in again and thank God for the incredible little life that has been irreversibly linked with yours. Realize that when you think back on these years, you won't think about the sticky countertops or the whiny noises.

You will think about this baby, this child, this person, whom you love with all your heart. And that love is enough. God's love for you is enough. You are enough.

Five Reasons to go to Your Farmer's Market

The older I get, the more I add to my list of Important Things. Here's what I mean: When I first got married, I acquired the Important Thing of cooking some kind of edible food each day. Over time, That one objective morphed into many -- shopping within a grocery budget, learning how to make healthy meals, buying organic when it matters most, meal planning, and making things my toddler will actually eat. So that's my Important Things food list. Then there's mommyhood, ministry, cleaning, organizing, graphic design... you get the idea.

My problem is that as these lists grow, I have a constant nagging feeling that I am forgetting something important; dropping an essential ball. And those 10 Foods You Should Never Eat and 5 Lethal Chemicals in Your Makeup lists that I am always seeing on Facebook don't help. 

If there's a solution to this messy, intersecting web of priorities that I live in, I haven't discovered it yet. But here's a little thing that helps.

A little thing that makes me feel really good, like the day is a grand victory.

Get out of the house (away from lists and dirty dishes), and go on an outing that checks off multiple Important Things in one fell swoop.

It's summer (cue the hallelujah chorus), so today my outing was to the local farmer's market. I live in a deliciously convenient part of Colorado Springs, so ours is just a few minutes away. Some large shopping centers will host farmer's markets one day of the week during the summer. 

Josiah has been fighting the resistance against naps this week, and sitting at home trying to get him to sleep drives me bonkers. So we packed up the stroller and the sunscreen this morning and headed out. 

Here are five Important Things that I feel better about after our trip.

1. Sensory Fun for Toddlers (on the cheap)

During our visit, Josiah got to sample an organic multigrain cookie, hold potatoes, smell handmade soap, eat a honey stick, and see boatloads of other kids. I bought him the honey stick for 50 cents, and everything else was free! Most vendors give out samples, so there are lots of things for little ones to touch and taste. It was a little tricky navigating the stroller around certain vendors, but it took a lot less patience than telling Josiah to get down from the stairs for the fiftieth time, which is what I would have been doing at home.

2. Fresh, Cheap and (sometimes) Organic Produce

At our farmer's market, there is a produce stand where you can fill up a five-pound bag with anything you want for $10. I got tomatoes, broccoli, squash, peppers and more that would've cost more at the grocery store, and they look and taste a lot better because they were grown locally. This particular stand wasn't certified organic, but I've seen others at bigger markets that are. The produce looks so much fresher at farmer's markets, and you're supporting a family who lives near you.

I packed all of this produce into one bag for $10.

3. Natural, Healthier Food

For us, eating healthy includes avoiding processed foods, refined sugars, unhealthy fats and white carbs. It's gotten pretty easy to find whole-grain and natural foods at the grocery store, but a lot of vendors at farmer's markets sell specialty items that are harder to find, like hatch green chile fettucine, or multigrain baking mix without any artificial ingredients. These are fun occasional buys because you can sample it first.

Josiah sampled a cookie made with this yummy NanaCakes baking mix.

4. Natural, Healthier Beauty Products

It's been almost two years since I stopped buying makeup and beauty products with certain ingredients, like parabens and mineral oil (read why here). Safer beauty products are starting to become easier to find, thankfully, as awareness about harmful ingredients increases. It's still a headache, though, reading labels to try to find a tube of mascara or sunscreen that I'm willing to use. Today I found a vendor selling homemade soap. The owner lives in my neighborhood and could tell me everything she puts in the soap that I bought.

This honey oatmeal soap cost me $2.50 from Twelve Springs Soap

5. Exercise and Fresh Air

Just walking outside in the sunshine makes my day better. A friend and I met in a grassy area after shopping and let the kiddos run around. (Or sit around eating graham crackers, in Josiah's case.) Spending time outside in our town gives me a dose of perspective when I'm overwhelmed by my to-dos, and Josiah went straight down for a nap when we got home.

What do you love about your farmer's market? What outings help you and your little ones to have more fun together?

What is Choking God out of your Life?

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I've been reading Luke lately. I go through phases with the Bible, and for a while I have felt an itching to read only the words of Jesus. As if maybe, after all this time, I'll find something new -- something about Jesus -- that will jump out and grab me. I can usually live in the Psalms, (Poetry or history? Easy decision.) but for awhile now, I just want the Gospels. Just Jesus. 

We did a very long sermon series on John at our church, which is usually my go-to Gospel, so I chose Luke. And even though he starts 99% of his sentences with and, (see what I did there?) I've been really enjoying it.

End long introduction of post.

Luke 8 contains the parable of the sower. I have read this story a million times, which makes it so hard not to go into auto-pilot reading mode. (Read here if you aren't familiar with the parable.)

The sower (or farmer, gardener) is throwing seeds. Jesus describes four different soil conditions that the seeds meet: the path, where the seed is trampled and devoured; rocks, where the seed dries up and withers away; among thorns, where the seed grows up but is choked out; and good soil, where the seed grows and yields a huge harvest.

In verse 11, Jesus tells his disciples that the seed represents the word of God. He then breaks down the four groups of people represented in the four conditions of soil here, but I want to focus on the choked-by-thorns group.

Recently, I heard a sermon about this parable in which the speaker urged us not to assume that we are the good soil. Not to assume that we are the ones who receive the Word of God, grow up nice and strong without any hiccups or distractions, and start popping out fruit, or vegetables, or whatever. 

I grew up in church, and I always thought I was the good soil. Of course I was. Those poor seeds that fell on the path and got devoured by birds. Ouch. Good thing I didn't have to worry about that.

Read verse 7:

And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked it.

Whenever I read this growing up, I assumed the thorns were bad people. You the know the Proverb: Bad company corrupts good character. The thorns were bad influences and friends who pulled you away from God.

Ah, good ol' reading out of context.

In verse 14, Jesus says what the thorns really are.

And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature.

They are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life. Can we camp there for a second?

My obsession with the way I look is not distracting me. It is choking me. 

My obsession with checking my phone for Facebook notifications, Instagram notifications, text messages, snaps, who knows what else, is not distracting me. It is choking me. 

My obsession with what I will eat, what fun things I'll do, how much sleep I will get, and me, me, me, is not distracting me. It is choking me. It is choking out God's power to work in my life.

The thorns growing up in my life, twisting and tangling and forcing themselves in, are not bad, ugly, red-flag things. They are pleasures, riches, things that I like and things that I love that occupy my heart and choke out the Word of God.

I feel like I could go on forever and make this post even more unreadably long, but I will end with this. Not a single thing of this world that you love, not even other people, can complete you, satisfy you or save you. Stop allowing thorns to choke out the one thing, the only thing that matters.  

Blueberry Spinach Muffins

Since Josiah is thirteen months old and will rarely eat a straight-up vegetable, I have been trying lots of creative recipes that hide fresh fruit and vegetables. I found a spinach muffin recipe at weelicious, but I wanted to make it a little healthier and more interesting. (That's right. The spinach muffins were not healthy enough.)

If my first goal in cooking or baking for Josiah is to get him to eat a balanced diet, my second goal is to make things that I can eat, too. After all, I am typically only up for making special from-scratch meals that are just for Josiah about three times a week. I'm not one of those people who enjoys cooking (or cleaning up afterward) all the time.

These Blueberry Spinach Muffins meet both of my goals. I won't lie; I ate two of these for my lunch today. Josiah loved them too, so I guess I'll be making more very soon.

Blueberry Spinach Muffins

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

• 1 large egg

• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

• 1 cup fresh spinach, packed

• 1/4 cup sugar

• 2 tablespoons coconut oil

• 2/3 cup blueberries (edit: I changed this from 1/3 cup and it is sooo much yummier.)

• 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

• 1 teaspoon baking powder

• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 
  

Directions

1. 1. Preheat oven to 350 F.

1. 2. Place the first 6 ingredients in a food processor and puree.

1. 3. Add blueberries and chop until the berries are mixed in but not pureed.

1. 4. Place the remaining ingredients in a separate bowl and combine.

1. 5. Slowly mix the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients until combined.

1. 6. Scoop batter into a greased muffin tin, filling each cup 2/3 of the way. You'll get about 9 muffins.

1. 7. Bake for 15-17 minutes.

Little one loved these, although his insistence on eating them with a fork made for a bit of a mess.

Looking toward twenty-four

Before my birthday, I always take time to reflect on the last year of my life. It was harder this year, just because more has happened in these 12 months than any others before. There's a lot of change to process, both good and bad.

I have become horrible at journaling over the last six months, which I guessed might happen once I started working full-time. I was looking at my extensively detailed journal from last year and read this entry from April 26, 2010. It was even written at about the same time as I was reading it.

In less than an hour, I will be 22. This has been a really good year, my 22nd year. I feel different about this birthday, like I'm really older -- an adult. I think it's because I know such a huge change is happening this year and that will change who I am, too. Like Josh has said, in Colorado, nothing has to hold me back from being the person I want to be and doing what I want to do. There are no expectations or preconceived ideas. It's a fresh start. I feel ready to make my 23rd year a really fabulous one. I want to have extraordinarily good relationships, I want to live an adventure, and I want to dream big. Here's to 22!

It's sobering to read my hopes and goals for this last year. I knew unimaginable change was approaching, but how can you anticipate what that really means?

In many ways, I have grown a lot. There are things I've done in the last year that I had never done before:

• Get a full-time job.
• Work in ministry.
• Lead a student life group.
• Mentor others.
• Teach a large group alone.
• Work two jobs.
• Lead worship with hundreds of people.
• Make meaningful friendships quickly.
• Develop multiple relationships with people of different ages.
• Develop skill in dancing, singing, design, photography and acting without fear of failure.

I realize in myself a confidence, courage and resilience I've never had before. But as I grow in so many outward areas, I also feel a weakening of my spirit. A year ago, when I had so much time on my hands and so few responsibilities, my prayer life was constant. I felt like I found new insights in God's Word every day. I wasn't engaging in ministry; I wasn't being used in very many lives or giving my talents and gifts fully to God. But I spent so much time in communion with Him.

How do I do both? How can I give everything I have to God and still have the time to know Him? How can I develop my spirit while developing my actions?

The rest of this week, I'm going to look for a word from God that answers these questions. Lord, guide me in Your Word to know your plan for this year of my life. Help me to seek growth in the areas that You care about, not in the areas that are important to me. Not in the areas that seek people's approval more than Yours.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

One of the things I love about the Bible: No matter what I'm feeling, no matter how indiscernible or indescribable the dark cries of my heart are to me, there is something in God's Word that captures them. It's like God's way of showing me, over and over again, that He really does understand every thought in my head, and that the Spirit really can interpret my wordless prayers (Romans 8:26) into something that makes sense. They aren't pretty, granted, but they make sense.

When it comes to Bible guys, I'm really thankful for David. I'm not one of those people who is gifted in contextualizing and analyzing history, so I don't know really what David was like as a person; I just know that so many of his praises and complaints to God tend to summarize my heart. David definitely experienced highs and lows, and he shared both with God. I relate to that.

So I don't have many thoughts to share about this Psalm, but it spoke to me this morning and I am grateful again that God has comforted me with His understanding of my soul.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42

When God opens a window

I love the little moments when God opens my mind up to something new that I didn't understand before. That "Oh, this clicks" moment. In the last two days, He's done this for me twice.

I think He blesses us in two ways with these moments. The first is, of course, whatever wisdom He allows us to understand. Spiritual growth is an absolutely incredible feeling when you realize it's happening.

The second way is that we're reminded just how far we are from having things all figured out. From knowing everything. We have that sensation of a window opening in our minds, and then realize the excitement of all the windows God can still open.

Yesterday, God opened this window for me: At the church, I am surrounded daily by people with more wisdom, knowledge and experience than me. People who can teach me so much about not only the work I am doing, but also about the way I know and serve God. Instead of trying to impress these people all the time, why not humbly learn from them? The first option preserves my pride, but the second option makes me a person who serves God and others better. And isn't that more impressive in the ways that matter anyway?

Today, I went with Josh and Joyce to the Operation Christmas Child processing center to inspect and package shoeboxes. Now, here's a fact about me, even though admitting it makes me feel like a bad person. Mercy is not one of my spiritual gifts. When I hear a sad story, I am not the first person to cry. It's not that I don't care. I do. It doesn't come naturally to me to emotionally step into others' shoes, especially if it's an experience that's completely foreign to me.

So, window number 2. As I was working with the shoeboxes today, I got so excited about the big picture of what was going on. The 650,000 kids who would get presents and hopefully the message of Christ just from the Denver processing center alone.

As I was filling cartons with shoeboxes according to gender and age, I started praying over them. The more I prayed, the more connected I felt to the whole purpose of what was going on. It was so cool to think about the 5-year-old boys and 12-year-old girls whose lives God will change.

Ephesians 6:18 says, And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

God is showing me, through this experience and other recent ones, that it's not just about serving in the areas where I'm gifted. Maybe He doesn't want me to always be comfortable. Maybe it's not as simple as doing what you're naturally good at. Yes, I can sing and communicate without that much effort, but when He pushes me to pray for people who I would typically never think about, my heart feels so overflowing with God's love!

So, if I had to describe this window more succinctly, I would say this: Don't limit God based on what you have to offer. Realize that He has everything to offer and can grow you in whatever area He wants to.

There's a song by Chris Taylor called Symphony, and this part of the song describes so well the moment of getting a glimpse of God's wisdom:

When I finally see what you see
There's a symphony
I hear a symphony
Words cannot describe
What it means to be
In your symphony
In your symphony

Hearing from God

Over the last week, I've been trying to explain to some of the girls in my lifegroup how God speaks to us through the Bible. It's hard to explain that God speaks to us in totally practical ways through His Word and that it's not a mystical process that we have to do all the right, magical things to enable.

I feel like I can't make sense of it even now.

But really, the best way to get it is to experience it. This weekend, I didn't actually sit down in the morning and have an intentional quiet time. On Saturday night, I was going over some handouts for a new faith and baptism class. I was looking up some verses that I could use to talk about accepting Christ when I saw verses in the handout about daily life as a new Christian and forgiveness. The verse in the handout said:

Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.
Hebrews 2:18

That made me think of a verse that I knew was in the letters somewhere about God providing a way out from temptation. So I looked around and found this verse, one I had taken to heart back in high school:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

I have known this verse for a long time, but it's not until you feel like there is no way you are strong enough to overcome an ongoing struggle that you are truly comforted by this promise: God will not let you be tempted beyond your limits, because you are so valuable to Him. That means that whatever you're going through, you can get through it. Don't give up. And when it gets to be too much, He will rescue you. So have peace.

I am blessed with friends who encourage and challenge me, but I needed to hear that promise directly from God. The Bible is the only way to get that. And He used a completely unrelated study I was doing to point me to that promise.

Today, God led me to the next step. He had promised me that He would carry me through temptation, but then He reminded me that rather than living in frustration with my weakness, He wants me to live in awe of His awesome power! What a difference!

I wanted to encourage a friend, and a phrase just popped into my head: "made perfect in weakness." Thank goodness for Bible Gateway! I looked it up and found this verse:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

What an awesome God I serve, that He not only walks through the valleys with me, but His power and grace are so great that He doesn't need me to be perfect before He can love and use me.

And what an awesome gift we have in the Bible, that He can use it at any time and in any situation to speak truth and love into our lives.

Where is my worth?

I realized yesterday in a conversation with Josh that something deep in me is not necessarily in everyone.

I want everyone to think I'm perfect. It upsets me when people see my faults, and it devastates me when people don't like me. I try to hide my faults and mistakes from Josh as much as possible because i think the more bad qualities he sees in me, the less he'll love me.

I told him this yesterday. I said, "Don't you feel that way?" He said no.

What I realized through the rest of our conversation is that I base so much of my confidence on being "perfect" and being likeable to everyone that when I am criticized, I receive it as a criticism of who I am, my whole identity, instead of a criticism of a behavior I can change.

Josh said, "I am a confident person. When you don't like something I do, I know I can change it."

This isn't how my brain works. I said, if you're a confident person, why are you so willing to change?

He said, "because my confidence isn't in my behaviors. Those aren't who I am." Then he explained it this way, which has been simmering in my head for the last 24 hours:

It's like with our salvation. Christ loves us. We're His. But we don't become His and then never change. We're called to be imitators of Christ. Christ was humble, yet He was perfect. We aren't perfect at all, so we need to be humble and then be willing to change to be like Him. Admitting fault is not the same as admitting worthlessness.

This idea of Christ embracing humility in spite of His perfection is in Philippians 2:3-11.

I think this is a big key to being a good apologizer that I've been missing. Admitting that you're wrong and apologizing is not admitting that you're worthless. It is having enough confidence in what is right that you are willing to change the things that are wrong.

It's not being afraid of being wrong, because you truly want to do what's right, not just "be right" in your mind. It's imitating Christ, not trying to be perfect on your own.

This is going to take a lot of practice for me to internalize. But I feel a little refreshed that I can strive for humility and openness instead of perfection.

Who am I serving?

Several weeks ago, there was a message at church called Greatness Redefined. The gist, to simplify it to the point that resonated with me, was that serving others is greater than being served. In God's eyes, you are "great" if you are a servant to those around you, not if you have certain status or image.

It took awhile for this to sink in for me. In a real way, at least.

It sounded pretty simple, because how I often do I tell people to serve me? I don't seek to be served. Well, maybe not literally, if you're picturing the whole feet-washing scenario or treating those around you like your personal waitstaff. But that kind of serving isn't really the point here. Taking it so literally was really a way of copping out.

When I started to think of it in terms of my spiritual life, things changed for me. How much of my spiritual life is made up of me serving, and how much of it is me being served? When I go to church, I'm served by the worship team, the pastor, the people who welcome me and the people who make and set up the coffee. I'm also served by those who maintain the building, the volunteers who run the sound and slides, and a lot more people who I don't even think of. I don't have to give anything back. I just go and get filled up.

When I go to lifegroup, I definitely spend time encouraging the people around me and building relationships, but for the most part I'm served by the leaders who prepare the discussion and the people who give up their home every week to host. I don't have to put much thought into it; I go, I get filled up.

If I'm really being honest with myself, this is how a lot of things all throughout my spiritual life have been. I'm very involved in church, but how much am I really serving versus how much I am being served?

I knew before we moved to Colorado that one of the first things I wanted to do at our new church was work with students. I've never done it on a really deep level before, and while I knew it would be a commitment and an investment, I didn't really know what to expect.

About a month ago, on a Wednesday when I had worked all day and wanted nothing more than to crash on the couch for the rest of the night, there was a student ministries event. It was only one week until my middle school girls lifegroup was starting up, so I wanted to go and start getting to know the girls. But boy, was I tired. I did not want to give of myself. I did not want to be drained for the sake of someone else.

It turned out that God gave me more renewed energy and excitement and strength through serving that night than I ever would have gotten from a few hours vegging on the couch. One girl who hadn't even heard of lifegroups at the beginning of the night left with information about my group and excited about getting involved. Serving was so much more rewarding than being served.

Since then, co-leading a lifegroup and getting to know these middle school girls is turning out to be one of my favorite things I've ever ventured to do. Besides the fact that I am forced to think about something more important than myself at least once a week, I am inspired by their faith and insights, humbled by the fact that I am an example to other girls who are in the same vulnerable place I was in ten years ago, and so excited each week at the potential for God to use me in big ways.

I don't think I can completely explain it, because I know that before I did this, the thought of "another thing to do" overwhelmed my ability to imagine the possibilities of serving. It's just a matter of stepping out and putting yourself in a situation where God can use your gifts to touch other people. Then watch what He will do!

This is where the healing begins

Sometimes, a song can really hit me right where I am. Not even just where I am in a stage in life, but where I am that day or afternoon. Since we've been in Colorado and have two different Christian radio stations, I've been hearing a lot more good Christian music than I ever did in Florida.

Today I finally faced up to some struggles I've been having and shared them with a friend. Talking to someone who will not only listen when you need help but will also give you godly, wise advice is so important. Knowing I'm not alone and that someone I trust will keep me accountable changes the whole battle. After talking to her and, in the process, coming clean to myself, I felt broken in that I wasn't trying to hide or fool myself anymore. I was ready to trust God for real and start handing myself daily, hourly, minute-by-minute over to Him.

This afternoon I heard Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North, which I've always liked but hadn't heard in a while. I really listened to the words and just sat for a while thinking on them. It's a really powerful song, so I wanted to share it.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

That isn't what you learned about Christ.

Paul wrote Ephesians to believers who were living in a culture of unbelief and sin. As I read Ephesians 4:17-24 this morning, I felt like Paul was writing to me in my culture.
Verses 17-19 sum up the problem:
Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against Him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.
Here's the turning point in verses 20-22.
But that isn't what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from Him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.
Here's how we do that (verses 23-24).

Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God -- truly righteous and holy.

This is big for me not because I forget that I live in a culture that is full of darkness and hardened against God, but because I start to think the goal is to be a little bit better than the world rather than to be as radically different as possible.

As I struggle against temptation -- and wow, is Satan attacking me in this time of my life -- I tend to live in justifications.

Entertaining "what ifs" and sinful thoughts are not as bad as actually acting on my thoughts, right? I mean, t0ns of people do the things I'm thinking about, so I'm not hurting anyone.

Paul says, "that isn't what you learned about Christ. ... let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes." Notice he doesn't say renew your actions, the things on the outside that are exposed. Renew your thoughts and attitudes. Those desires, lusts, judgments and rages that you keep entrenched on the inside where no one can find you out or set you straight. Where Satan can continue to keep you in secret chains.

Jesus said in Mark 7:21-23,

It is what comes from inside that defiles you. For from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these vile things come from within; they are what defile you.

The only way I can get rid of the darkness that tries to take hold inside of me is to be filled with and renewed by God's Spirit. That means a lot of prayer and honest surrender of the desires that I want to cling to.

Dear X by Disciple describes the constant battle with sins of the heart and has become something of an anthem for me.

True delight

How can I live in abandonment to God for the pure sake of loving Christ, not for getting anything in return?

Even today as I prayed to discover God more and hear His voice and feel His presence, I prayed it more out of a desire for peace and rest in my own spirit, not so much out of a desire to delight the heart of God. What does it mean to seek Jesus purely out of love for Him rather than for the benefits I get?

My Utmost for His Highest says:

We have got so commercialized that we only go to God for something from Him, not for Himself. It is like saying, "No, Lord, I don't want Thee, I want myself; but I want myself clean and filled with the Holy (Spirit); I want to be put in Thy showroom and be able to say, 'This is what God has done for me' (March 12)."

Right now, I seek God in desire of a job and friends and a church family and more peace at home and a stronger relationship with my husband. I don't just seek God in desire of God.

Psalm 37:4 has been a favorite verse of mine since high school:

Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I think I've always focused too much on the promise in the second half of the verse, taking comfort that God knows and cares about the inner desires of my heart. In order to get that promise, I need to figure out how to delight in the Lord without the desires of my heart anywhere on my mind. Maybe I would paraphrase the verse like this:

Lay down the desires of your heart and delight only in the Lord; then He will bless those desires more than you yourself could have orchestrated.

Lord, help me to seek You not because I love Your provision and Your gifts, but because I love You. Let it be as simple as that. Help me delight in You.

From the summit

Wow. Here we are, 1,800 miles west, in Denver. Colorado feels like a world away from Florida.

This morning we took a cog train up to 14,110-foot high Pikes Peak. It's interesting how in the last week we've taken in so many views from summits where you can see everything laid out around you for miles. It's a little hazy, maybe, but you can see. A lot. That's not how I feel about God's plan for me right now. I always have confidence in His plan for us, Josh and me, but my job search here introduces a new reality that God has plans for my ministry and my direction too. I don't feel so confident about that.

When we got here, last Wednesday, I called two churches where I had applied and followed up weeks before. I was anxious and hopeful. Five days went by, and I didn't hear back. I can't say I went through a lot of deep emotions because we have been so busy showing around my parents and getting our stuff moved in, but whenever I had a moment of rest or stillness, I felt overwhelming failure. I felt so much disappointment and so little confidence in myself or my ability to get a job.

On Sunday morning, God spoke these words to me from Psalms:

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

I prayed for patience and confidence, but felt little comfort. I found an administrative assistant position and applied for it, starting to give up on the other two applications I had been so hopeful about. On Monday, I read this in my devotion:

Never consider whether you are of use; but ever consider that you are not your own but His (My Utmost).

I tried to take that to heart. I had felt very clearly two months ago that God was calling me to find a job in ministry, not in journalism. I wrote in my journal that day:

Because I didn't get either of the ministry jobs I wanted, I feel like God has no plan for me. What is God's call to me? God, I know you will act when we have need. Help me to trust You and put my focus on whatever it is that you want me to. I will try to be patient. I will listen for Your call.

Tuesday morning, I got a call from the church where I really want to work. They want to interview me next Wednesday. Now, I know that there is still a good possibility that I won't get the job. I'm trying to prepare myself for that possible disappointment. But if nothing else, I feel that God has lifted me out of the desert that I felt when I hadn't even gotten a call back. Whatever God is planning for me, I feel refreshed enough to be ready for it again.

By faith he obeyed and went

We are moving in six days. The goodbyes are in full swing and the packing is halfway done. The stress of everything to do and remember is starting to feel like a looming presence in my life, and so this morning, thanks to a Circle goodbye staff meeting, I revisited some verses that gave me lots of comfort about the move several months ago.

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
Hebrews 11:8-10

God does great things when we step out in total reliance on His plan, not on our plans. When I take each moment to turn back to Jesus instead of making logical decisions and then asking God to bless them afterward. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. But I will make my home by faith in a land where God has called me, looking forward to the city designed and built by God.

It isn't harmless

This is a struggle we don't face much as warm, comfortable, American Christians. It's more than a struggle; it's a fight. So I don't know if anyone will relate to it or not, but I feel led to share. I am feeling strongly in my spirit that God is bringing the fight to my door.

What I mean is evil. Sin. I've been a Christian my whole life, and so when I hear "sin," I typically think of gossip, laziness, losing my temper with a family member. Sins that yes, are harmful, but aren't the kind of thing that keep you awake at night or burden your soul. When I think of evil this way, as little mess-ups that make my life less than what it could be, it's dangerous. Because evil doesn't seem so bad, so much of a real threat.

In our culture especially, we're trained to rationalize and minimize evil. If someone asked you if murder was wrong, you would say yes, without a doubt. But when we want to entertain ourselves, we watch TV shows and movies about cruel, brutal, bloody murders. Adultery is wrong -- we wouldn't cheat on our own spouses -- but we entertain ourselves with stories about men and women who have sex on the first date, who sleep with multiple people without the blink of an eye, who start and stop their marriages based on whatever they feel.

We say homosexuality is a sin, but we laugh at jokes about it and normalize it by watching gay and lesbian couples in almost every TV show and movie. Because it's harmless, right?

It isn't harmless.

God says in Isaiah 5:20:

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

It's easy to be entertained by evil when we feel like it's at a safe distance from our own lives. But not all Christians have the luxury of ignoring the spiritual wars that are taking place around us.

So why am I writing about this? Because Satan is fighting for someone I love, and I finally have woken up enough to see this as the spiritual battle that it is. When evil is destroying someone I love, it is not my job to embrace evil so that I don't offend the person. Even if every other person around me wants to call evil good and good evil, my first love is Christ. And if I love Christ, I can't love evil. If I truly love someone, how can I let evil take hold of them and do nothing?

My purpose in this world is not to treat sin as a joke. God did not put me here to tolerate sin and befriend evil. That is not what it means to love.

So, this is a lonely place. Josh and I are going to truly love by loving people and standing up against sin, and that might mean that people don't like us and don't want us around. We might lose a few relationships. The thought of this feels like a huge weight sitting on my spirit. I don't want to lose anyone I love. I don't want to be persecuted. But I can't persecute my Lord by holding hands with evil.

Today I found a Psalm that comforts and strengthens me. I can fight this fight.

Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

Psalm 37:1-9, NLT