This week, I have been deeply humbled and convicted by the sudden death of Kylee Boden, a dear friend to many whose faith leaves me speechless. I did not know her personally, but she and Matt have been very close to Josh's heart ever since Matt was the campus minister at UCF. Although I did not know her, God has spoken to me through the testimony of her life and over the last few days has laid a very heavy burden on me that I am not living the life I was designed for.
Last night, I cried out to God in my journal:
I know God, and I love Him, but I have not given myself to Him and allowed Him to refine me to be a woman like (Kylee). I have been happy with normal, and I have blended into the world around me. I have been ashamed and timid about my Christ. I have lived my life for myself. I have confined the all-powerful God of creation to worship on Sundays. I have served without passion and I have lived without intention. God has spurred me to the extraordinary.
I grieved over my lack of courage and the way I have slowly compromised my passion for Christ over the last several years to the point that I couldn't find the passion in myself at all. I knew that I needed to seek God fully on my own, independent of Josh, and that my search of God's presence needed to become my life. Not just part of my life. I plucked Josh's copy of My Utmost for His Highest from his bookshelf and put it next to my bed to read this morning. After Josh left for work, I sat on the bed with the book, my Bible and my journal. I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen. Here is what I read aloud on the first page of the book:
My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honor to Christ in my own person by fearless courage.
It took me years to admit to God that I had been ashamed of him; that I felt my courage and will had been depleted. It took Him nine hours to answer the cries of my heart. For the first time in at least three years, I cried at the words of God, which he had spoken directly to my heart. I crawled into the lap of my Father, the Creator, and let Him hold me. That feeling of resting in God's presence is unmistakable, and it reminds my soul of what I was created for. I was not created to be a writer, a teacher, an editor, or whatever I end up doing here. Those things will be part of what I do, but I was created to be God's daughter. Everything else is so secondary. I was not created for this world, and I am not dependent on it or imprisoned by it.
So, my life changes today. I no longer live in consideration of myself. I am not of this world. I keep myself before God for this one thing only: My Utmost for His Highest. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for Him alone.